What brings a family together. Family traditions: how to unite parents and children? What are the Benefits of Family Traditions?

Family cohesion as an integrative characteristic of its functioning includes two points: firstly, the degree of emotional closeness or attachment of family members to each other; secondly, the formation of family self-consciousness, the cognitive aspect of which is the image of “We”, and the affective aspect is the feeling of “We”. In family psychology, there are different approaches to determining the nature and mechanisms of the formation of family cohesion [Eidemiller, Yustitskis, 1999].
Within the framework of the mechanistic atomistic approach, a “balance concept” of cohesion is developed, operating with the concept of a balance of “pro-family” and “anti-family” forces. It is assumed that each family member has centripetal (“for the family”) and centrifugal (“against the family”) motives. The simple arithmetic balance of these forces determines the degree of family stability. For example, if the child is the unifying center of the family, i.e. the motives of upbringing determine the balance of power in favor of preserving the family and uniting it on the basis of raising children, then at the moment when the function of upbringing exhausts itself, the family may break up. Objections to the theory of the balance of power boil down to two main arguments: firstly, in reality, motives are quite difficult to assess by the criterion of their centripetal/centrifugal nature, which is fraught with arbitrariness of their interpretation; secondly, within the framework of this approach, each family member is considered as an isolated element, the systemic nature of the family is not taken into account, and the interaction of individual subsystems is not considered. The concept of compatibility makes family cohesion dependent on similarities and differences in worldview, value-semantic sphere, competence of its members. A high degree of family cohesion is ensured by the unity of values, worldview and family ideas (views on the family structure, distribution of roles and supremacy) in combination with complementarity in relation to the competence of its members (knowledge, skills). Recognizing the unconditional advantages of this approach, in particular, considering the family as an integral system and taking into account the influence of the parental family on the formation of the cohesion of the nuclear family, one should point out the well-known inconsistency of the theoretical provisions of this concept with empirical data. For example, quite often complementary families turn out to be destructive, not showing cohesion, or, on the contrary, show a high degree of cohesion, coupled with the efficiency of functioning, without being complementary.
The concept of "collectivist identification" as a mechanism of family integration, developed by A. V. Petrovsky, seems to be very interesting and psychologically justified. Cohesion, according to the author, is based on two socio-psychological mechanisms. The first of them is the mechanism of emotional identification with the family (according to the principle “family pain is my pain”), which implies that family members have a high degree of development of empathy, the ability to understand each other, empathize and sympathize. The degree of family cohesion is largely determined by the predominance of sympathy and positive emotions in it, which makes it possible to neutralize emotional tension, distress and frustration. The second mechanism is the mechanism of "community of family destiny": a person connects his life plans, his well-being and the possibilities of personal self-development with the family. These group identification mechanisms complement each other. An important condition for the development of family cohesion is the harmony of the combination of the image of "We" (family) and the image of "I".
Marriage compatibility is also considered a necessary condition for the integration and cohesion of the family. There are three main approaches to the problem of marital compatibility: structural, functional and adaptive [Obozov, Obozov, 1984]. Within the framework of the structural approach, the compatibility of spouses means the correspondence of the personal and individual-typological characteristics of partners. Moreover, compatibility may imply both the similarity of characteristics and their difference up to contrast, but such parameters as value orientations, socio-psychological, communicative attitudes, motives, interests, in case of compatibility of spouses, should be similar. At the same time, certain typological features (for example, properties of the nervous system) can be combined in contrast. Similar and contrasting characteristics should together provide a stable and effective structure for the interaction of spouses.
The functional approach considers the psychological compatibility of spouses as a measure of the consistency of their role models of behavior, which ensures the high efficiency of the functioning of the family, meeting the needs of it and all its members.
The adaptive approach interprets the compatibility of spouses as positive interpersonal relationships, good mutual understanding and effective communication. Compatibility means tolerance, a high degree of tolerance for the peculiarities of each other's behavior and personality, a willingness to accept a spouse as he is. Marital compatibility is characterized by the degree of marital adaptation and mutual adjustment [Antonov, 1998].
Indicators of the degree of marital compatibility can be: 1) consistency of family values; 2) consistency of role expectations in relation to the goals and role models of behavior of spouses; 3) the coincidence of mutual assessments of the spouses of the performance by each of them of their family roles; 4) acceptance of the partner's personal and behavioral characteristics, readiness to take them into account in cooperation.
The antipode of compatibility is the incompatibility of spouses, the distinguishing features of which are alienation and "mental saturation" with each other.
The task of generalizing theoretical ideas about family cohesion as a system was set within the framework of D. Olson's circular model, which distinguishes two parameters for assessing family cohesion: 1) plasticity, flexibility in managing the family system, distribution of roles, rules and norms that regulate the relations of family members; 2) the emotionality of the relationship, the degree of emotional closeness of the partner.
Depending on the degree of plasticity of leadership and management of the family system, Olson distinguishes between a rigid, structured, flexible and chaotic structure. The rigid role structure is characterized by a rigid centralization of functions, individual leadership and a hierarchical management system, which does not allow for the effective resolution of family problems, especially when it moves to a new stage of the life cycle. A structured (coordinated) family system is characterized by an increase in democratic management tendencies, the establishment of a role structure and a system of rules, taking into account the opinions of family members. However, the structured system does not yet have the necessary degree of flexibility and plasticity, which leads to an increase in conflict when the role structure of the family changes. The set of norms and rules regulating the role is rigid and rather slowly undergoes adjustment if necessary. The flexibility of the family system is based on a democratic leadership style: equality, egalitarianism, or the participation of all family members in the distribution of roles and responsibilities. In accordance with the emergence of new tasks and functions in the family, both roles and the rules governing them easily change. A chaotic family system is determined by unstable leadership, uncertainty in the distribution of responsibilities and duties among family members. The roles are not clearly defined, the role structure is not established. The functioning of the family as a whole is characterized by momentary, "field" behavior, unbalanced. Chaoticity usually occurs at crisis, turning points in the development of the family system.
Depending on the degree of emotional closeness, one can speak of emotional disunity, separateness (distance), connectedness, excessive emotional involvement (“confusion”). Emotional disunity is characterized by a significant distance between family members, low interest in each other. The causes of disunity can be violations of the feeling of love, fear of close relationships, neurotic fear of being unloved, lack of formation of the very need for communication, inadequate types of anxious attachment (“avoidant” type). Separation (distance) implies the presence of emotional acceptance, love while maintaining a significant distance in interaction and a high degree of emotional autonomy. Connectedness is considered as the optimal level of reliable emotional connection, characterized by emotional closeness, a high degree of empathy towards a partner, and a distance of emotional interaction. The fundamental difference between emotional bonding and symbiosis is a high degree of personal differentiation of partners, when each acts and is perceived by the partner as an autonomous independent subject. Excessive emotional involvement, emotional "confusion", "sticking together" are characterized by the presence of very intense, often non-reciprocal, asymmetrical relationships. There are no clear boundaries of personality in emotional interaction.
The intersection of the two selected criteria (the nature of the emotional connection and the flexibility of managing the family system) forms a continuum of types of families that differ in the degree of cohesion. The polarity of the characteristics of the family for each criterion (measurement) determines the low degree of balance of the family system and is an indication for the implementation of psychological and psychotherapeutic assistance to the family, whose own resources, as a rule, are already insufficient. Throughout the life cycle of a family, the level of cohesion changes due to the emergence of new tasks, the need to accept new members and changes in the boundaries of the family system. For example, the birth of a child in a family, which stimulates the traditionalization of functions, leads to a change in balance and cohesion from flexible separation (during pregnancy) to chaotic connectedness (immediately after the birth of a child) and to rigid connectedness (during the first or second year of a child’s life) .

Married couples often form because of mutual attraction to each other, great love or falling in love. At these moments, people do not think about whether they have any common hobby. But it is so important to have common interests and family affairs, because if love is not nourished by anything else and does not even have common topics for conversation, then sooner or later this state of affairs will inevitably lead to divorce.

What is the purpose of the family?

Unfortunately, in our time, the science of the family and how to build it correctly has been forgotten. Therefore, there are so many family unions in modern society that seem prosperous and successful in appearance. But if you delve a little further, it turns out that happiness is not present in them.

In our age modern family already has an established stereotype of family life, which for many seems to be the norm. This is when a husband comes tired after a hard day's work and immediately sits down to watch TV or play at the computer. At this time, his wife is engaged in housekeeping or some other business in the kitchen, and the children play with their toys. Many will say that idyll and harmony reign in this union, but, apparently, they do not have common goals and family interests. They do not have joint emotions and empathy, so over time they are more and more moving away from each other.

When people get married and go on an interesting journey called they must clearly understand what their common goals are, so that later they can go to them together. Until they are outlined, a person will not understand what qualities his soulmate should be endowed with.

A modern family should not forget that common goals will become a guarantee of long-term happiness and mutual understanding.

What goals are considered a guarantee of a happy family

It is widely believed that the purpose of the family should be the birth and upbringing of good and healthy children. This, of course, is also important. But what will happen to this marriage when the children grow up and leave to build their own way? Everything, the goal of all life will be achieved, and nothing in common will remain. Therefore, it is simply necessary for spouses to have other common interests and family affairs, in addition to children.

It is believed that a marriage between two people is a kind of school of love. And if the family truly appreciates and respects each other, then the relationship over the years only becomes stronger. Thus, the real goal of married life is the attainment of perfect love.

The main goal of each spouse should be constant care for their soul mate and the task of making life easier for each other. If all these rules and parting words are followed and not forgotten about them, then it is possible to achieve trust, harmony and happiness between them.

Shared hobbies and shared leisure

According to the statistics that American scientists have deduced, every second man in the world spends his free time watching any TV shows. But why not watch them with your wife? After all, you can choose any program that both will like, or download a movie, which is very easy to do in our age of the Internet. Even such a joint pastime can become a link that binds the family and gives a new topic for conversations and discussions. For example, you can make it your every Friday to arrange such joint viewings with popcorn and various other goodies.

Leisure

Common interests and family affairs can be found outside the walls of the house. It is good if this is associated with some kind of physical activity, as scientists have proven that a passive lifestyle affects not only a person’s health, but also his psyche. Suppose you can come up with the following active common affairs and interests of the family. Examples:

Joint outdoor recreation.

1. Walking tour with a break for a snack.

   Participation in any active sports.

   A real hike with a tent and overnight in the forest.

For this type of recreation, large expenses are not needed at all, but only the desire and desire to spend time together.

Common interests of parents and child

The role of the family in the life of a child is undoubtedly very important. In order not to miss the moment during the growing up of the child and always remain a friend to him, you need to have mutual business with him, of course, for spending time together.

It is not at all difficult to find common causes and interests of the family. The surrounding world, if you look at it only with different eyes, can suggest a lot of ideas for this. For example, if the child is older and can take care of a pet, you should get a common family pet and walk together when time permits. At such moments, there is an opportunity in a relaxed atmosphere to discuss with your child any of his problems and what may be bothering him.

Parents can learn, if they don't already know how, roller skating or skiing, and then have so much fun with the whole family. A good tradition can be a morning run or an evening yoga class. Yes, anything, the main thing is to be together.

Favorable climate in the family

When a child grows up in a family, it is very important what family climate reigns in it. From parents, the child receives preparation for further life in society. Therefore, it cannot be denied that the role of the family performs an important function in shaping his personality.

A child, like a sponge, absorbs what is happening within the walls of his house, and then he transfers all these foundations and rules into his adult life. If it is customary for parents to have common interests and family affairs, then in the future their child will also act in their marriage, having learned this from early childhood. When children grow up where it is customary to communicate in a friendly and gentle manner, then over time they will certainly build their style of communication with other people in the same way.

Only one conclusion can be drawn from this - in order to raise a good and successful child, it is necessary that the family has a healthy moral and emotional microclimate.

Spiritual Aspects of Family Life

An important role in the harmonious relationship of a married couple is played by spiritual intimacy, which after years can be irretrievably lost, unless you constantly work on its presence in life. To do this, you can choose a joint spiritual hobby, such as dancing. After all, there is nothing better and more pleasant than circling in a pair with your loved one.

Now it is not uncommon to come across a situation where already elderly spouses enroll in dance classes in order to give their relationship some zest and novelty. Many psychologists have approved such a joint pastime, since the dance allows you to penetrate deeper into the personal space of your soul mate.

What is the relationship between family and society?

From time immemorial, the family has been considered the main unit of society. It is entrusted with many functions, the most important is the continuation of the family. Therefore, all civilization and social relations begin with the family.

As a person treats his loved ones, so he will treat other people. If betrayal and swearing reign in the house, then the person who is brought up in this will eventually think that it is possible to do the same with people who are completely strangers to him.

Therefore, one should never forget very much simple thing Relationships depend primarily on what people are willing to do for them themselves.

What do you think unites a family and what makes it united? Of course, not the very fact of being under the same roof, not a stamp in the passport and not direct relationship. The family is united by common aspirations, activities, interests and competent conflict resolution, which are a natural part of the normal functioning of any team.

During the falling in love stage, it usually doesn't take much effort to successfully resolve disputes. As a rule, lovers try not to conflict, because they want to please more. But then the hormonal background returns to normal, the intensity of emotions decreases, children are born and after them additional problems appear, so the couple, who are not able to intelligently resolve their conflicts, are increasingly bogged down in an atmosphere of chronic quarrels, experiencing irritation from failed attempts to fix something. And gradually move away from each other.

Conflicts in the family happen for a variety of reasons: from minor domestic troubles to universal confrontations. And they manifest themselves in different ways: someone calmly speaks, someone screams, someone pouts for two or three weeks.

And if there is a conflict in the family, this is normal. This means that family members are not indifferent to each other, and their relationship is developing. And in order for the family to remain united in the presence of conflicts, it is necessary to solve them correctly, revealing their true causes in time and working with them. .

Causes of family conflicts

• Usually quarrels, disputes and confrontations arise because of the unmet needs of one or more family members. This need can be personal, physiological or emotional. Unsatisfied needs cause a lot of tension, which does not help in any way to experience satisfaction. A person cannot live in tension for a long time, therefore a conflict arises.

Let's take an example. A family I know nearly fell apart because of slot machines. Beautiful wife Irina, calm working husband Igor, an inquisitive child. Everything was completely cloudless until money, things and savings from accounts began to disappear from the apartment. The husband all the time called different reasons. One day, Ira did not find the money set aside for food. When Igor confessed to everything, there was a terrible scandal with throwing dishes and breaking windows. The child, fortunately, was with his grandfather.

Ira and Igor could not quickly solve the problem, they often cursed, the child felt a conflict, became whiny, capricious. Later, the older generation of the family also joined the scandal. The mother-in-law blamed Ira for everything: “You are not a match for my son, you don’t know how to interest him, you don’t cook well, so he ran away to the machine guns. And rejoice that it is not for a mistress. Ira's mother accused

Igor in failure, negligence and laziness. And the grandfather generally wanted to take his grandson to him.

As we can see, the family has become divided, and the conflict has revealed other repressed needs of everyone. And after all, no one asked Igor: “Why did you do this?”

• This is where the second reason for family conflicts pops up - the lack of information for making a decision. Often, not all family members talk about their views, interests, needs, until it comes up in a conflict. Someone has no time to talk about it, someone is ashamed, and so on.

What to do if there is a conflict in the family

1. Remove children from the "battlefield". Children are very emotional and traumatic, they should not see insults, throwing dishes, or breaking windows. Not to mention the physical impact. If you feel like arguing, take a walk outside or quietly sort things out while the child is sleeping, in extreme cases in another room.
2. Turn on your wisdom, reasonableness and calmness. Without all this, it is impossible to effectively solve the problem.
3. Understand that conflict is normal. And defending your point of view - too.
4. Stop strangers with their needs. In the above example, it would be useful for Ira to stop her mother-in-law like this: “We are now discussing slot machines, not me. Thank you for your concern for us. We'll figure it out ourselves." Irina's mother could be stopped like this: “Thank you for your support. Please don't insult my husband. We'll figure it out ourselves."
5. Determine the true cause of the conflict. As practice shows, a person, getting into problems, does not think about others and those consequences, problems that he will bring to the family. In other words, a person purposefully does not set himself the task of harming the family.

In this case, it is important to tell the culprit without emotion what consequences his behavior led to. It is also important to describe your emotions. Then you need to ask: “Why / why did you do this? What did you want? What was missing? Sometimes this may require the help of a psychologist. Later, in a frank conversation with Igor, it turned out that he was very pressured by the authoritarianism of his wife, he did not like to live "according to the plan" and really wanted "excitement, emotions, drive."

1. Together, come up with alternative safe ways to meet these needs. In our example, Igor became interested in parachuting and began to actively participate in city quests. And Ira went to work as a teacher and realized her authoritarianism in the classroom management.
2. Together, figure out how to deal with the consequences. Igor voluntarily stopped communicating with slot machines, returned the money, bought the necessary things and began to spend more time with his family.
3. Don't go back to the past. If the conflict is really resolved, it is categorically impossible to discuss it further. Even as an example. As the saying goes, "he who remembers the old - that eye is out."

I wish you not to be shy to voice your needs to the family in time, to implement them in safe ways, and then everything will be fine.

How often does it happen that people live under the same roof, but remain strangers to each other.

Family Gathering Tips

1. Hold meetings once a week by choosing a time that will ensure the presence of all family members. Do not change this time for the benefit of this or that family member.

2. Turn off for this time telephone so no one can disturb you. This will help your children to realize that such gatherings are an important event for the whole family.

3. Decisions must be made on the basis of family unanimity, and not the will of the majority. If, after discussion, you do not achieve a general agreement, then the decision is postponed until the next meeting. Strive to make decisions that will benefit everyone. Let everyone make a commitment to support the decision.

4. At every meeting choose a new leader and secretary (in turn). All family members should support the host in every possible way. The secretary's role is to keep records of what was discussed and what decisions were made. This is necessary so that during the week there are no disagreements on the decisions made.

5. Start the meeting with encouraging remarks to each member of the family. Use words like, “I really like that you…” or “I appreciate that you…” Encourage your children to respond with words of gratitude when they are praised.

6. Family agendas and meeting agendas are best posted in a prominent place to remind everyone of what they have to do.

7. Teach your children to match their complaints with solutions to their problem.

Remember that a person who is not involved in solving the problem becomes part of the problem himself.

8. Consider at the meeting the schedule of affairs for each day of the coming week, providing for the joint activities of all family members.

9. To make meetings more productive, hold them in a common room, clearing the table of unnecessary items and arranging the chairs so that those sitting are facing facing each other . Under no circumstances should food gatherings be held.

10. Always end meetings on a cheerful and pleasant note . The “ending” is left to the host to choose. You can offer a light and unusual snack, some sweet dish for evening tea, an exciting game, or something else interesting for everyone.

11. If your children have no desire to attend such meetings, monitor your actions, which may discourage children from participating in them.

1.2. If someone still misses the meeting, then he still must comply with the decisions made at it.

13. Make sure everyone leaves the meeting feeling satisfied.

I am sure that even after several meetings you will feel that a period of harmony and mutual understanding is beginning in the family.

Teenage pressure.

Pressure jumps due to the fact that physiological growth does not correspond to the growth of internal organs. Consult a doctor - he will prescribe therapy aimed at strengthening blood vessels, vitamin therapy, and moderate physical activity.

Perhaps today the role of the family in our society is not as high as in former times. However, it remains one of the main values, and family traditions are designed to strengthen the relationship between parents and children. We will talk about how to develop and find new traditions, why it is so important, and what effect such rituals have on the child.

What are the benefits of family traditions?

According to psychologists, family traditions are very important for both adults and children. They help kids to see in their parents not only strict educators, but also cheerful friends. The rituals also make it possible to feel that the family is a single whole, and not just “older” and “younger”. In such a family, you want to return to already grown children again and again.

In childhood, family traditions give the child a sense of integrity and confidence in their parents. He knows for sure that he and mom and dad have common interesting activities, and he will not leave alone in his room. And subsequently, pleasant memories serve as the foundation for creating traditions already in the new family.

How to develop family traditions?

Even if it seems to you that there are no common traditions in your family, this is not so. Surely you have little rituals that you simply do not pay due attention to. For example, you might ask your child to help make cookie dough, or you might go shopping on the weekend. Interesting details can be added to these routine little things and make them a matter of family pride. Tell the children how excited you are to be baking their favorite cookies soon and look forward to helping them in the kitchen. Of course, the work should be crowned with a pleasant tea party, during which everyone in turn will tell the last remarkable events.

By the way, new family traditions do not have to be invented, they can be “rented”. Ask your friends with kids what they like to do together. If you liked the idea of ​​playing Monopoly tonight, why not try it out at home? Do not be afraid of new ideas and rituals, study them and boldly borrow the right ones!

Of course, in this matter it is important not to overdo it with persuasion and pressure. Seeing that the children absolutely do not want to gather every day for a morning run, do not force them, even if it seems to you a great healthy idea. Also, as needed, look for replacements for established traditions when they no longer inspire family members.

Basic family traditions

Each family independently chooses the rituals that are suitable for themselves. However, there are traditions that have been tested for centuries and aimed specifically at bringing children and parents closer together, so it will be useful to take note of them.

First of all, it is a gathering of all family members for lunch or dinner, where they share news and impressions among themselves in a friendly atmosphere. Ideally, this should happen every day, and even a century ago it was. But today we are used to rushing and having a snack on the go in our spare time, setting the table only for children. Therefore, it is worth trying to revive the tradition of family dinners at least once a week.

Board games are an activity that people of all ages are crazy about. They are always associated with having fun and bonding between parents and children, helping everyone feel equal. Choose the game that everyone likes: it can be lotto, dominoes, monopoly, scrabble or just picking puzzles together.

Another undeservedly forgotten tradition is the family photo album. We are already accustomed to storing all the pictures in electronic format. However, why not print out the most successful photos and paste them into a large beautiful album, which will then be reviewed for many years? These pictures can be accompanied by funny inscriptions or tell the children the events associated with the captured day. This is how a whole family history is written!